Category: Dating and Relationships
How do you people feel about dating the same person from the time you and her were in grade school till marriage or later? Of course, ther's no problems with that in general but personally I would be thinking, would that attraction start waning after say like 20 years or sooner? Wouldn't the partners get bored of each other and want to see other people?
Here's a similar question in the same topic: How many years can a person be dating the same person with no thought of marriage? I've heard of people being with the same person for fifteen years or more. Couldn't the same concepts apply where they could lose feelings for each other? Or what if neither of them ever want to get married? Couldn't they feel trapped in the same relationship?
I'll answer your second question first. Isn't a marriage a lot like a long-term relationship? It's committed, you cohabitate (as most modern couples do before getting married) and you love each other. Whether you date for 10 years or you're married for 10 years makes no difference in my opinion. You're just not legally bound together if you're dating. However, the same problems can still occur. Abuse, infidelity, falling out of love, those things aren't just exclusive to marriage. If both people don't want to get married, so what? It's their lives, let them live how they choose. It would be a problem if one partner wanted to marry and the other didn't, but that's really no different than other hurdles that couples either have to vault or decide it's just too high to jump.
As for the other question, that hardly ever happens except in movies. If two people were dating since grade school, you have to wonder how serious their relationship is anyway. Kids say they're dating all the time, but that kind of childhood relationship, while very deep and meaningful, is really nothing more than an extremely close friendship in most cases. And by the time they get to high school, when they really start getting interested in others and attractiveness in general, they probably would either remain friends, drift apart, or, I suppose in rare cases, take their relationship to a deeper physical and emotional level. As for getting sick of each other, it's no different than what I said above. Married people get sick of each other all the time too. That's why the divorce rate is sky high.
Ah, but human relationships are complicated and there are no rules.
I'm actually siding with For real on this one. Relationships run their course; That's just it. there's no said time frame for a relationship. I'm a big proponent for long term relationships. I actually think that people give up too easily on their relationships. Getting sick of each other basically can translate into I'm too lazy to fix our issues, or I didn't really think before I embarked on this long term journey with you. I mean, I'm sure there's plenty of situations where people just fall out of love. People change, people grow. But I think that people don't truly change; They just bring out different sides of themselves over time. Perspectives can change, practices and routines can change, but a person is still usually the same person at the core as they were in the beginning of a relationship. I think that people try to suppress parts of themselves in the beginning of a relationship sometimes, in order to appear in a more favorable light to their new partner.
People do go through trials and tests in relationships; Especially long-term ones. No one is immune to boredom, mid-life crises, whatever have you. But if you look at it, the people who truly do stay together beyond their twentieth anniversary and are still happy together, the couples' characteristics are similar across the line. Both parties have enough in common with each other, but not too much that would constrict their individuality, they share the same views, have respect for each other, and have a satisfying sex life. And, a satisfying sex life can be anything from limmitted sex to sexual adventures any time of day, any day of the week--as long as both parties of the couple are satisfyed. A longterm relationship is guaranteed to go through cycles. There will be good times, there will be not so good times. You will experience the spark, and then sometimes the spark will dwindle, if you can recreate the spark, then the relationship goes on. if not, it's done. And in order to last in a longterm relationship, you need to want to be a part of a longterm relationship as much as you want to be with that person. If someone is in love with a person but can't stay committed for too long, then that couple will have issues and may not survive because of that person's lack of commitment. But if the person wants to settle down, whether the need to do so stemms from the love they feel for that person or because they are the longterm commitment type, it's easier to find and remain in a longterm relationship.
Those who know they would rather have a longterm relationship are careful to pick a mate who is compatible. Those who don't care either way don't really pay much attention to overall compatibility, as long as the mutual attraction is there for the moment. The divorce rate has drasticly gone up over the last few decades. And i think that's because people are lazy and stupid for the most part. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't ligitimit couples who have ligitimit reasons for divorcing. I'm not advocating staying in a relationship if you're unhappy, just to be in a relationship. But people are lazy these days; They don't care about working on a relationship. People want things to be so easy all the time. So many people are so caught up in the honeymoon romantic phase of a relationship, the time when everything's new, that they forget that every good relationship has to hit some rough patches. A few bad arguments and it's time to cheat, or split, or whatever. And that's rediculous. And people are stupid because they don't think before they get involved with someone. People marry on a whim; Lust, not true love reigns over people when they say I Do a lot of the time. People should fall in love, be happy, but they should be rational too, at least to some degree. If you hate sports but you marry someone who absolutely loves them, lives them and breathes them, you might grow to hate your spouse. You may grow sick of them. and that's bad judgement on your part. Little things stop being so trivial when you have to live with someone on a day to day basis. and that's why cohabitation is awesome; You get to test things out and work out all the kinks before you walk down the isle.
And as for lifelong couples, it's not so far fetched. Most of us would think it's rediculous or superficial or even impossible to marry someone you dated in grade school, and remain happy. But it happens. It certainly does. A couple I know dated since they were thirteen years old. They lived across the street from each other. Now they're married, very happily so, they had three kids, all of whom are very successful. They're youngest kid is just about to go to college this september. I say they're the prime example of what a couple should be. And they did change over time as individuals I'd imagine; Both their families were poor, small town folks, and now the husband is a rich executive and they live in a mansion. They've' moved all over the united states, wherever his work took him, as long as she agreed. They're really a sweet couple, and yes, they're very much real. I know them personally. so... Yes, this sort of thing does happen.
During School, I had spoken to gitrls, became close friends but nevera boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
Well she saved me all that typing. Smile.
Last I'd like to add that people over look issues so they can just get married, or be with someone. These issues come back to bite later, and that is the problem. You never really wanted the person completely, but said "we can work it out" when you really couldn't.
You date a spender, and he/she is a spender when you marry. You can't work this out if you are not, and pretty soon you'll fight. You can date a spender forever, but living with one is different.
Also people forget to give. Love, or real love is giving. I have a rule that says you should never do or expect anything to or from your lover you'd not do or expect of yourself.
another thing: if you can't meet your own needs, you shouldn't expect someone else too (which, I feel is often a top reason people get into a relationship).
Well said right away. I do however think that commonalities don't always have to be present.
for example, my significant other has somewhat different music tastes. But learning to grow and keep an open mind is part of the reason why oppisits attract.
I alsow think communication is key. this goes along with what Wayne was saying about not addressing issues... if you don't speak to your partner about the problems that occur they may never get resolved. I alsow think some couples simpley grow apart... especially in long distance relationships, there comes a time when your you and another person can fall into a dull routine. Before you know it, your only just friends.
I would actually go so far as to say that the two of you need to have some differences on the surface. If you have so much in common that you never feel the need to do anything separately, you'll eventually get bored/tired of each other. As long as your core values are similar, there's nothing wrong with appreciating different kinds of music, different books, different indoor and outdoor activities, ETC. Now obviously you don't want to find yourself in a relationship where you don't appreciate any of the same activities, but there's nothing wrong with going to the park while your partner goes to the bowling alley, for example. I admit, I used to believe that in order to make a relationship work, the two of you had to be the "two peas in a pod", "it's amazing you're not clones", "you'll never be caught dead away from one another", type of thing. Not surprisingly, life experience has since proven that theory very wrong.
That's just it. You have to find a good balance between having things in common and being different.
I used to date a guy who loved Fox News, was intollerant of anything but country music, and had really cheap taiste. I'm a CNN kind of girl who hates country and doesn't like activities like tailgate picnics. but we were together for over a year. I would have told you I was ready to marry the guy at the time, despite the fact that we faught on a regular basis. We argued almost as much as we laughed. Some aspects of that relationship were great; He was pretty much my first love. But we had things about each other that we just couldn't stand after a while. Once the lovey dovey stage was over, we just didn't want to be together anymore. Growing apart, I think has more to do with people coming to realize how different they are as individuals more than actually changing and becoming different from your mate. People don't grow apart, as I said before, they bring out their true self. In the activities they choose to participate in, the things they choose to read and listen to, and so on . Once you realize you don't fit in the same circles as your partner, you feel less crazy about being an item. Like ocean dream said, your core values and views have to be the same, that's all. If you dont' have that, that's a recipe for disaster. Communication is also key as the previous poster said. If you cant' communicate, you're bound to have problems. Communicating some things to your partner can be a challenge, but that's ok. You can work on overcoming a constant chalenge, as long as you dont' give up without reason. Keeping an open mind is one thing when you're just dating someone. I kept an open mind about my ex listening to country music and nothing else. But being around that twenty-four seven drove me crazy. I liked to think that I didn't mind it, but now that I'm dating, and living with someone who has similar taste in music, books activities as I, I find it easier to be at home with that person. We have enough in common that we feel comfortable and agreeable together, but we're different enough that we can each bring to the table new experiences for the other. We still have our separate favorites; I like a plane cheeseburger and cheese pizza while he piles his whith his favorite toppings that aren't traditional. I like my sappy chick-style tv shows sometimes while he likes his archeology channel which I have no interest in. And that's ok.Because we also have things that we can truly enjoy together. So we have enough to entertain us separately and together. And that's a good balance.
I've lived with this guy for over two years, and since we both work at home we see a whole lot of each other. If this wasn't a good balance, and if we didnt' know how to give each other our necessary space, we'd have probably driven each other bonkers by now, and we'd have long been separated.
And about getting into ruts, well, the key for that is to renew things from time to time. Do different things. Make new memories. Step out of your routine and comfort zone as a couple and go on new adventures. Of course you'll start feeling like just friends if neither partner takes the initiative from time to time to surprise the other with something spontaneous and fun--something new. No matter how in love you are with your partner, you need to remind each other from time to time just why you got together in the first place. Remind each other of the little things that attracted you two in the first place. If those things have changed or are gone, then that's another story. Then that's an example of a person truly changing. But if you can still remember, and I mean truly remember, why you fell in love in the first place, and why you're still in love, then you can get through any rut.
I don't really have an opinion on this either way since I have yet to experience a long term relationship.
Yes core beliefs need to be same, like cleaning the house, money use, that sort of thing. I could care less what music she likes or doesn't like though. I can listen to anything. Lol
hi i am in a long turm relationship. we've got different things we enjoy. but we enjoy each others company. too. i tell my partner. how much. he makes me truely. happy. and also we do new things together. when we get time to visit. one another. it is worth it. in the end. i'm commited to him. and i feel lucky. too. well. i will go.
just saying, no, it's true that dating and marriage is a lot like the same things, my mum and dad has been married for 25 years or so maybe 26 or 27 and, they don't fall out of love as a friend says it still seems like they were still dating. If your date or marriage is solid enough well it would last anything.
Hmmmmm. I guess it depends on what you consider a long term relationship.
The longest relationship I was in was all most a year long. The girl and I were very close. We weeren't in it for ourselves either. We genuinely cared about each other. Unfortunately we lost contact with each other, because she went through something extreme that I am not even sure about to this day. Whatever it was, she had to stay in a residental place. Recently, ironically, I heard from her. During conversation she asked if we were still dating. I had forced myself to get over her, because two years ago I wasn't sure if I would ever hear from her again. I'm still trying to explain this to her.
Anyway, about the marriage thing. My stepfather and mom were together for about 11 years, never technically married. Things didn't work out with them either, but they were together for so long that it seemed as though they were married regardless.
i agree very much with Write Away. You have to find things out about your partner beforehand and your core values and beliefs have to be the same. You can definitely date a spender forever, but cannot live with one. Especially, if you're a saver like me. A lot of people don't take the time to get to know someone before they commit to moving in with them or marriage. my mom and her husband are one such couple. They got married six weeks after they met. Now, fast forward a year or two, and they had tons of problems. She'd fallen in love with his money and how much she'd been showered with atention at the beginning. Turns out, he's a control freak who can't stand it if she's away from him for 20 minutes!! If she'd taken the time to get to know him, she may not have married him at all, but now, she's kind of stuck. I am a long-term relationship type person. I look for compatibility and things right off the bat.
Take Care,
Dawniellea
The longest relationship I was ever in was about a year and a half before the girl decided to leave me for someone else she met on a phone chat line. LOL.
Yeah I'm not into the thing about marrying a guy six weeks after you meet. I won't even date a guy after meeting him the first day. I usually igve it a month or so and till we've at least met in person.
I used to think it was beyond insane to wait more than a few months if both of you were interested. I'm starting to rethink this, though. Don't get me wrong; I'm not advicating waiting years if the interest is clear, but it might be a good idea to give it a few months, maybe even 6 or more, at least if you're planning on getting serious. This usually helps bring any deal breakers out into the open before anyone gets too hurt.
I don't know exactly how relevant this is, but I'll risk and relate it anyhow.
When Sabrena and I met, and we met via e-mail, at that point we did not see the two of us being a couple. We expected to just be friends and to find other people to date. But as we e-mailed more and talked on the phone more, we very gradually started to understand that we had a meeting of minds, we were both mentally on the same page, and we also slowly started imagining us as a couple and by December of that year we were a couple when we first started talking in March. So yeah, there's value in becoming friends first and foremost and seeing what happens rather than jump into Relationship City with both feet too soon down the road. Too many people form relationships on things like physical looks or that the sex is good and soon discover that they just do not get along as people. That's a recipe for a relationship to flop over sideways and die a horrible death.
I would love, very much to last for a lifetime with the guy I get to love, because then if two people know how to comunicate, you discover something new about that person and thus, not get bord. Nonetheless, I think it's a true art of nature lasting 30,40,or even 50 years for that matter, because what you know you learned with him/her. I hope to have a life like that myself :)